Kinky Sex Can Be Hard

Here’s a tiny excerpt from a long and awesome essay by “The Ferret” called Why I Can’t Rape My Wife. I think Ferrett exaggerates the difficulties for comic effect, but he makes some good points:

Bondage. There’s three types of bondage: Cheap, moderate, and fucking scary.

Cheap Bondage doesn’t work, and Nike Velcro shoes prove it.

Here’s the secret of cheap bondage: Your partner’s faking it. That ad-libbed knot at the right bedpost slipped twenty minutes ago, and he’s been working overtime to keep his hand in place. That blindfold-cum-scarf? She’s been peeking out from under since you started. Unless you’re some kind of sadistic boy scout, your trivial attempts at impromptu bondage are doomed to failure. You need the professional equipment, pal.

Moderate Bondage is where you finally take the leap and purchase professional equipment – manacles, leather gags, whips, and the like. This provides approximately three hours of fun and two years of terror.

The fun is when you bring all of your lovely glittering merchandise home and really go to town. This is when you really need a safe word, because your partner is genuinely immobilized and you can do anything you want. Woo hoo!

Then you’re sitting on the bed in a puddle of sweat, rubbed-off skin, and fluids that were really interesting when they were body temperature but are just kind of icky now… And you’re wondering where the fuck you’re supposed to stash all of this stuff.

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2 comments on “Kinky Sex Can Be Hard”:

Evie commented on November 18th, 2012 at 12:23 am:

For real, they do not make toy bags big enough. Most kinksters I know have invested in rolly luggage of some variety. I’ve opted for the 20 gallon Target plastic storage container–not very sexy and definitely not portable. Any suggestions?

John commented on November 18th, 2012 at 5:51 am:

A good suitcase or two.

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