The Tale Of The Stolen Handcuffs

Here’s an unusual press account of what sounds like it might have been a kinky date gone very badly wrong:

PORTSMOUTH – Police launched a noontime search for a city woman described as wearing handcuffs and a “ball gag.”

Capt. Mike Schwartz said the call began at a downtown restaurant where the woman dined, then left wearing the cuffs and gag.

“A woman who called (police) was interested in getting the cuffs back,” said Schwartz.

The police captain said the case is under investigation and may or may not lead to a theft charge. According to emergency radio communications, the calling party has the keys to the handcuffs for when the woman is located.

The woman is described as about 5′ 5”, 30 years old and Caucasian.

My sympathies are with the handcuffed woman who left with the handcuffs on, to be honest. Even if we assume that eating a kinky public meal is the date she signed up for — which it very well may have been — somebody who will call the cops to get her stolen handcuffs back is somebody you don’t need in your life. I’m guessing she was crazy in eighteen other kinds of ways, and our runner figured it out just in time. I only hope she got to a safe place and got the cuffs off without incident.

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